Nothing Fancy

. . . but very cozy.

As an infant, I startled easily and usually cried for a while afterwards. When I was a child I had recurring bouts of nausea at school, in restaurants, at relatives’ houses, on sleepovers, or generally in the middle of the night. In high school I often found it difficult to eat, because my throat felt like it was closing.

From my early twenties to my late thirties I had trouble walking or standing still for any period of time, especially in large spaces like shopping malls or in church when I had to stand in front of the congregation. I couldn’t seem to figure out how to maintain solid contact with the floor.

Looking back, I now know that this was all due to generalized anxiety disorder (I don’t like to capitalize that - I don’t want to give it that kind of power), and I still suffer from it at 63.

In the last few weeks that anxiety ramped up as I processed my husband’s cancer diagnosis and my son sending me video of the Palisades fire - he could see the flames from the roof of his LA home. The never-ending worry and catastrophizing was unbearable, and one day last week I experienced something that’s brand new to me in my half-century-plus in dealing with this -

I reached my breaking point.

In that way that revelations manifest, seemingly out of nowhere, this thought presented itself in strong, final terms:

I cannot do this anymore.

I sat with this for a few days. My first thought was that I would get back on antidepressants, which also work for GAD in my case. I’m not crazy about this idea; SSRI’s and SNRI’s and I are old acquaintances and we have a love-hate relationship. I think medication is appropriate in many circumstances but I would like to avoid the side effects right now. I’ve been doing this long enough to recognize when my anxiety is bad enough that I no longer have the luxury of turning down the meds.

Other Solutions?

I’ve been eliminating most processed foods from my diet - especially those with added sugar. I started this when I had a lot of joint pain after a holiday sugar free-for-all, because in the past the elimination of sugar has improved my pain level. Because I struggle with disordered eating and junk food / sweets are a trigger for me, I went cold turkey. Moderation is not an option for me.

My Brain - From Unquiet to Quiet

While I did experience reduced pain, I also found that my anxiety virtually disappeared. Until now, my brain has never been at rest - it’s used to spinning new and dangerous scenarios.

Whether through the change in diet or because I had told my limbic system to knock it off (see “I cannot do this anymore”), the spinning has stopped. My brain is calm.

Quiet.

At rest.

Is this how other people live inside their heads? I’ve never experienced this without medication, and it’s such a relief. I won’t question it too much.

My emotional life has been a tightrope for the past forty years as I have balanced anxiety and depression, so I’ve been a little concerned that this new quiet would slide into depression. I’ve found something that, not suprisingly for me, is helping to prevent that slide.

The Project and The Cozy

Project: Jauary Throw. Pattern: Coast to Coast Wrap by Alexandra Tavel - I’m almost halfway done, with modifications as this will be a throw, not a wrap. The pattern: easy mosaic motifs and stripes of stockinette and garter stitch.

I’ve turned to two old friends: knitting and reading (or in this case, listening). I immerse myself in the cozy by knitting this throw while listening to audiobooks that feature knitting. It’s not intellectually stimulating, but it’s so cozy and calming - bibliotherapy at its best and most genuine.

You might want to try it; this is a great way to get through January. And February.

The Play List

For those interested in the cozy pasttime of needlecrafting while listening to audiobooks that feature knitting and other needlework, consider the following authors. Many are readily available from your library:

• Debbie Macomber (Blossom Street Series, I think it’s called) - my introduction to the knitting series.

• Monica Ferris - Needlecraft Mysteries - so engaging! And it’s not just knitting; each book in the 15-book series features a different type of needlework.

• Betty Hechtman - Yarn Retreat Mysteries - I’ve just finished the first book in the series and I’m intrigued.

• Ann Hood and Kate Jacobs - I have read and enjoyed both authors.

• R.H. Herron and Rachel Herron - Cypress Hollow Yarn Series - I have not read this series; I’ll keep you posted.

I might seek out other series as I knit my way through winter - but right now I need to work on the next motif in my throw as I listen to the 2nd book in the Yarn Retreat Mysteries.

And now I’m publishing this article without my usual obsessive rewrites. Because I’m so calm. Peace to all and sorry about any typos I missed.

P.S. My husband’s cancer, while not low risk, is, as far as we can tell right now, contained to his prostate (which will be removed at the end of February) and although my son lives six miles from the southern end of the Palisades fire, the fire never moved south. My loved ones are ok for the present.